I never avoid conflict. I go after it.

I've lived most of my life in a country that has seen numerous armed conflicts over the past five decades: civil war, invasions, sectarian rifts, civil unrest, etc. We've normalized conflict. Whatever happens, we tell ourselves it will end one day.

The only sane form of conflict we haven't had enough of in Lebanon is the "conflict of ideas", or in other words, respectful disagreement. Whether in households, neighborhoods, or teams, people generally tend either to disagree unconstructively or to avoid disagreeing with each other altogether.

It seems we humans are naturally wired to avoid conflicts. At least, the vast majority of us. Research has shown that we evolved psychological mechanisms to avoid disagreements because conflicts could lead to exclusion from the group. As people who spent millions of years living in small tribes, we couldn't afford that exclusion.

Modern societies have adopted systems that allow us to freely voice our differing opinions. However, our genes haven't adapted that fast. We still want to conform to the group.

Not me, though.

I hate conforming when it comes at the expense of stating my point of view. Early in my career, I've been in situations where an authoritative figure expressed an opinion and I wasn't convinced. Yet, I didn't state my differing opinion.

For days and weeks afterwards, I felt regret. That's when I decided that it's better to make the mood awkward during the meeting than feel remorse for not giving my opinion in due time.

Whether in my household, my neighborhood, or my team, I tend to take every opportunity to get into a respectful disagreement. I believe two good things happen when you exchange differing opinions respectfully:

1. You converge towards an optimal solution.
2. Everyone grows.

Let's start with the family. Every parent knows the sheer amount of daily questions they get from their children (research puts it anywhere between 40 and 70). That's a whole lot of questions we need to answer every day.

I do not shy away from saying no when it's the right answer, although it's much easier to just say yes. (Screen time and phone access are the hardest.) Sticking to the right standards pays off in the long run.

In every group setting, when someone states their opinion loudly, here's how I go about stating mine when I disagree. First, I try to defuse the tension with a bit of humor, joking for example about the person's deep experience in the field compared to my lack of experience in it, even when we both have the same experience.

The idea is to let my counterpart know that I disagree with them in the lightest tone possible. This opens the door for an exchange of ideas where I plainly say what's on my mind and expect to convince or be convinced. Sometimes, neither happens and we agree to disagree - respectfully.

In my team, I look for discussions that help us grow and learn. The first prerequisite is to check my ego at the door before going into any debate.

The second requirement is to truly want to get to a solution, not necessarily mine. From there, exchanging points of view with a good dose of empathy helps everyone converge towards an optimal solution.

I also chase respectful disagreements in my team because it's my responsibility to make things better, i.e., to find solutions to problems.

Avoiding disagreements only defers the problem and makes it bigger over time. And kicking the can down the road never solved any problems, as we know all too well here in Lebanon.

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